Let’s recap a little. You see, Mariah’s management had a problem. They had acquired a Rolls Royce Phantom and a Bentley Arnage T to ferry the 39-year-old singer around in, but they wanted the cars a bit more, well, personalised.

Last year they came to an agreement with Totally Dynamic – aforementioned Norwich-based company – and got them to ‘wrap’  Mariah’s cars, ie clad them with promotional material for her new album, ‘Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel’, and ‘her’ new bubbly, Angel Champagne. It was self-branding on another, more mobile level. It was Pimp My Diva.

But then Totally Dynamic got greedy. The vehicle wrapping company wanted their share of the publicity pie, so they sent out a press release detailing their hard work and how pleased everyone was with the result.

Unfortunately it seems they couldn’t be bothered to take the cars anywhere suitably glamorous for the photo shoot. Instead they took pictures of the Mariah-mobiles outside their garage on an industrial estate in Enfield, North London. (How do I know it’s Enfield? Because, duh, the press release kindly reveals such details).

The result (below) simply will not do. Mariah Carey does not do industrial estates (the only estate she does is country estate like the Saperstein Estate in Holmby Hills LA, which she and hubby Nick Cannon bought for $125m). The first rule of selling out (and one ignored by everyone from Desperate Housewives to punk rockers) is to ensure the brand is not too distant from your own, fine-tuned, hard earned public image.

Is there any bigger juxtaposition in the world today than Mariah and a north London industrial estate? If so, I think we should be told. More importantly, I think Mariah’s people should be told about that damned press release. Reputations are at stake here.

Common garden crackers

Originally we were very excited by the Mail’s report on horticultural home-boy Alan Titchmarsh signing up to promote B&Q. If Middle England’s manual was going to do our job for us, we could just copy and paste their piece onto Celebrity Sell Out and call it our own (obviously we wouldn’t as that’s theft and there would be a nasty linger whiff).

But alas, the Mail was not mimicking our usual blend of gentle derision and poorly attempted humour. No, they had got their knickers in a twist over whether or not the 60-year-old presenter was breaking any BBC rules on commercial conflicts of interest. Sounds petty doesn’t it? It’s almost as if the Mail’s got it in for the Beeb.

Fear not, though, Celebrity Sell Out remains true to its cause. We will bravely ignore the potential conflict of interest issue (which the Beeb has said is not a problem), and soldier on with our usual snarky asides.

It was only last September that Titchmarsh was on these pages for his work with Jacobs Cream Crackers. Their ‘create a garden on a cracker’ line was fairly tenuous, whereas this time the collaboration makes a lot of sense. B&Q are launching a campaign to Get Britain Gardening (which, while it’s no Disasters Emergency Committee, is vaguely high up on the worthiness scale), and who better to front said campaign than Britain’s best known gardener?

Everyone wins here. B&Q get one of horticulture’s most recognisable faces (Charlie Dimmock, Titchmarsh’s erstwhile televisual companion, certainly had the most recognisable nipples, but B&Q probably weren’t looking for that sort of thing), and the presenter gets to widen his – and, in a way, the BBC’s – audience.

As he said himself: “I thought long and hard about signing up with B&Q. But they reach more potential gardeners than any other outlet in the country. What I have tried to do in 30-odd years on the box is to try and raise standards in horticulture and to reach more people.”

See he is doing it for the gardens? Bless his little turfy socks. And seeing as Titchmarsh apparently came top in a poll of who B&Q customers trusted for gardening advice, it seems like a match made in heaven (but with money).

So, er, well done everyone. Except the Daily Mail – they should leave us to deal with celebrities selling out. It’s sort of our thing.  Even if we do go a bit soft now and again.

Moss: I love handbags. Honest.

The launch party took place last night at the Ritz Club in Paris with 700 handbag fans. Other models turned up and said they too loved handbags oh and Kate Moss. Everyone loves her.  In a video posted on longchamp.com Moss says: “I love handbags. I’ve got a huge collection. Girls just like handbags I think.”

Kate Moss said that. Honest. Isn’t that great? The supermodel hardly ever speaks like ever.

The 36-year old model also said: “The Ritz Club is like my old haunt. It’s always been one of my favourite places to come, really in the whole world. If I was to have a party anywhere it’d be here.”

That is so handy considering that’s where the party was. She’s so lucky. Anyway, the bags hit Longchamp boutiques on February 11 and usually go for more than £500. Start saving. Or not.

Moss who has also designed lovely things for Top Shop had a hand in designing these bags (making her a design pro-right?) of which she said:

“You know, for a day bag, I like a certain kind of shape, and I love a clutch that opens like an envelope, and is flat, and so on. That was our starting point, and at every stage I would add my own personal twist. For me, a great bag should be comfortable, and it should be light.”

In the meantime enjoy this behind the scenes video shoot.

Hugh Jackman - almost as cool as the Ice Tea

As Brummies and tummies across the UK tearfully lament Cadbury’s capitulation to Kraft, everyone has been hoping for some good news about British brands. Wouldn’t it be great if a British company took over a big US brand? Put the boot on the other foot? Give the yanks a taste of their own Fruit and Nut?

Well then, raise a glass (and a half full) to the news that Hugh Jackman has joined Lipton Ice Tea as the company’s global brand ambassador. Wonderful news! Just as Cadbury gets corporately shafted by those plastic cheese bullies at Kraft (at least that’s what the blubbering Brummies tell me on BBC News), another good old-fashioned British company swoops in and steals Australia’s finest from under Hollywood’s well-powdered nose. Hurrah for us. Doesn’t it make your patriotic heart swell with pride?

The ‘X-Men’ and ‘Australia’ star could have chosen any brand to sell out to, but he went with little old Lipton Ice Tea.

Oh wait, not so little. The UK company responsible for this marketing push, Britvic, are doing so under the watchful eye of Unilever, which owns the Lipton brand, and US giant PepsiCo, which distributes the product.

Jackman is selling out to a large corporate which is why he must have come out with this statement (that was clearly washed several times in blandness): “Lipton Ice Tea is a really positive brand and its values match those that are important in my life”.

It must have been winning endorsements like this that won him lucrative advertising campaigns for milk (in which his Wolverine character was given a milk-stache) and the Australian Tourism Board (aka Australia).

What does any of that even mean? Can someone translate? ‘Positive’ brand? Really? Not a ‘big’ brand? Or a ‘great’ one? ‘Positive’ is how you describe the keen but untalented kid who loves life, but isn’t actually very good at it. Tries hard, but never excels.

Our message to Jackman (as much as we like your kickass movies) is come on get real mate. You sound like a corporate robot and nothing at all like an Australian… or a Wolverine now that you mention it.

I’m off to throw chocolate bars at Americans.

Simon Cowell to save Hiati with blandness

I have been reading and despairing this morning at the news that Mr Cultural Vacuum himself (aka Simon Cowell) is to release a charity single to help raise money for the victims of the Haiti earthquake.

Is there no one else? Where is Bob Geldof when you need him? Can someone find him or does he sit at home and despair about his daughter Peaches Geldof who recently lost her passport on a night out in London (as you do – someone should tell her she doesn’t need it to enter central London).

Apparently we have prime minister Gordon Brown to thank for Simon Cowell’s involvement. He asked Cowell to do it. Gordon what were you thinking? Tony Blair had Noel Gallagher on speed dial and you have Simon Cowell.

I’m as cynical as old (but very stylish) boots and can not help thinking that there is something in it for Cowell and its caravan of TV produced popsters.

Apparently stars who will appear on said single will include his Syco label signings Leona Lewis and Susan Boyle and his ‘X Factor’ co-star, Cheryl Cole. Sir Paul McCartney and Robbie Williams might turn up as well.

“We are going to do a single. I’ve got to get it together in 48 hours. I wanted to do something for Haiti and we had a request from the Prime Minister to put a record together,” Cowell said at last night’s National Television Awards.

“We’re going to attempt to do something in a very short space of time. And Cheryl has said she’s on board.”

Yes we must save Haiti and give to charity as much as we can afford, but there must be another way.

The Cowell effort will add to those from U2 and Jay-Z and a Lionel Richie planned 25th anniversary re-recording of ‘We Are The World’ with Usher, Natalie Cole and John Legend.

Can we please have another Rage Against the Machine type campaign here to get something really good back into the charts? In the end it won’t matter as both singles will be for a good causes.

Does anyone have any good song suggestions? Mine own personal one would be ‘Sweet Child of Mine’.  Can someone get on the blower to Axl Rose? I personally loved the recent the cover used in the John Lewis ad by ‘Taken by Trees’.

He’s letting us in on a bit off a secret, I’m not sure how much of a secret it is but I like it and I know what you’re going to say “that’s not much of a sell out that’s more like a buy in” and you’re right but he’s like a model for others (a tough man, drinking and fighting model - the best kind no?) and on that basis we’re giving Ray Winstone our inaugural “No sell out award of the week award”. I just made that up, hope that’s okay as we’ll do more.

The idea is that celebrities in exposing their secrets to us will convince the public that its good to talk about things they don’t want to (like cancer too). It’s worthy and deserves our support.

He’s in the campaign with Marco Pierre White, Ricky Gervais and Trevor Nelson. Unlike Ray Winstone BBC Radio 1 DJ Trevor tells a story about the time he started an argument between rappers 50 Cent and Jay-Z. Oh yawn. What is this a name dropping convention? Sorry Trev but are you trying to tell us you know famous big rappers?

That’s no match for a Winstone getting drunks with the real fighting boys and agreeing to go to Afghanistan where Trev there is no red carpet and probably no rappers.

Anyway here is what Ray Winstone has to say about it all and well said we say. “Men sometimes leave the talking to women when it comes to health concerns so it’s great that Macmillan is encouraging us men to get help.”

Maybe next time he can talk to his Missus before he ends up on a plane for Afghanistan. Just a thought.

Keeley and stupid brown man

It’s tough being a Page 3 model as sometimes you get asked to do some really stupid stuff. At least I’m hoping that Keeley Hazell (um the aspiring actress) who is promoting Lynx Twist and starring in a new 15-minute online game.

As part of that campaign she had to stand around in a bikini, which the guys behind the campaign naturally thought was a necessary part of the oh whatever.

The online game, called ‘Keeping Keeley’, stars Hazell alongside Blake Harrison from Channel 4’s ‘The Inbetweeners’ and Mike Fielding from BBC comedy ‘The Mighty Boosh’. That’s good company for Keeley so who knows aspire away. To be honest she doesn’t get to show off her acting chops all that much although she is playing herself (or someone called Keeley who is trying to get to a lingerie launch) and really you have to begin somewhere.

Keeley as she appears in several scenes in the Lynx ad game

The extended ad/game on Facebook is I am sorry to report basically an excuse to look at Keeley’s breasts. That’ll be the Lynx twist. A brand that has long had breasts at the heart of its marketing and little else.

If you haven’t quite had enough of Keeley yet there is plenty more of her around. She’s previously starred in The Sun’s ‘Desktop Keeley’ promotion, which displayed the latest football scores alongside a picture of Keeley in frilly knickers as you do.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not picking on Keeley, but we at Celebrity Sellout thought the campaign should be highlighted so you the public know what page 3 models have to endure on the road to other things.

The "Voice of Football" celebrates his latest result

Betfair’s unique selling point is masterfully simple: punters are thicker than bookies, so you stand a better chance of winning if you’re betting against other fans rather than a massive moneymaking corporation. Obviously to prosper within this fan vs fan betting environment you need to be smarter (or luckier) than other punters, but thankfully there are plenty of idiots in the football-watching community.

Which brings us rather conveniently to Betfair’s latest recruit: Sky Sports’ Andy Gray. Although some football fans (cf. idiots in the football-watching community, above) truly believe Mr Gray to be an incisive and not-in-any-way-annoying commentator, the more sentient among us believe the opposite is true. He is, in this way, a bit like Marmite. Only more irritating. And repetitive.

Anyway, my personal bias aside, Betfair’s ambassadorial choice still looks rather misguided. The reason? He’s just not stupid enough.

Regardless of what fair-weather Sky-watchers like me think, there’s no denying that Andy Gray is respected by a lot of football fans. And that’s not what Betfair should be looking for.

As discussed above, the tempting thing about fan vs fan betting is the number of idiots out there who think they’re cleverer than bookies. While there’s an argument for using a divisive figure who gives punters something to argue about, I think there’s more sense in choosing someone who will remind the whole audience (and not just the Gray-haters) how many misguided, opinionated football fans there are out there; someone, basically, like Ian Wright. Come on he is ideal. This is the man who appeared in a ‘Chicken Tonight” ad.

Not only that Wrighty has form when it comes to gambling endorsements. Ladbrokes’ 2007 ad featured the former Gunner bantering excitedly (and contentiously) about football with Ally McCoist, Lee Dixon and Chris Kamara. The problem with that ad was that punters knew they’d never be betting against people like Wright or Dixon; they’d be trying to outsmart a bespectacled mathematician sitting in Ladbrokes HQ with a bank of stats and a big, Deep Blue like calculator.

With Betfair, of course, you can substitute ‘calculator’ for ‘can of lager’, and ‘bank of stats’ for ‘discussion down the pub’.

Ultimately, making the ‘Voice of Football’ (as his agents want us to call him) the voice of Betfair will only serve to remind fans of Andy Gray that there are people out there with more footballing knowledge than themselves. And I can safely say that no such problem would exist with former Gunner Wright.

]]> http://www.celebritysellout.co.uk/2010/01/is-andy-gray-an-own-goal-for-betfair/feed/ http://www.celebritysellout.co.uk/2010/01/ronaldo-drops-his-kegs-for-armani/ http://www.celebritysellout.co.uk/2010/01/ronaldo-drops-his-kegs-for-armani/#comments Fri, 15 Jan 2010 15:50:56 +0000 Harry Byford http://www.celebritysellout.co.uk/?p=2177 When will Cristiano Ronaldo get a mohican? Or a pop star wife? Or a boot in the face? I only ask because it is becoming increasingly obvious that the Portuguese footballer is metamorphosing into David Beckham. ]]>

Ronaldo practises his 'hello sailor' salute

When will Cristiano Ronaldo get a mohican? Or a pop star wife? Or a boot in the face?

I only ask because it’s becoming increasingly obvious that the Portuguese footballer is metamorphosing into David Beckham.

They both made their names at Manchester United before moving to Real Madrid, they’re both prone to questionable sartorial decisions (Becks wore a skirt, Ronaldo prefers hot pants), and they have, now, both squeezed into Giorgio Armani’s undergarments.

Few in the world have missed the unveiling of Ronaldo’s stylishly-clad lunch box. The 24-year-old has replaced Becks as the male face (and groin) of Emporio Armani Underwear, and the first set of adverts has now been unveiled across the globe.

The pictures – which show the footballer in a series of semi-naked, uncomfortable-looking positions – certainly prove that his 3,000 sit ups a day are working abdominal wonders (if you have an idea what the hand covering the face is meant to convey drop Celebrity Sell Out a line).

Yet his chiselled physique was not the only thing that got him this lucrative gig. Mr Armani said he chose the footballer because of his “youthful, exciting and, yes, sexy, attitude”, which is strange, given most people see him as a preening, posing and, um, dislikeable little prick.

Either way the Portuguese is in good (-looking) company. Joining him at Team Armani is actress Megan Fox who will undoubtedly thrive at standing around in skimpy clothing and flashing her cleavage (that must have described the casting call for her Transformers movies). On the plus side she should prove to have more pulling power than Bony Spice  (Victoria Beckham) who gave the audience a fright on American Idol on Tuesday looking so skinny.

Today, though, is not about Miss Fox. It’s all about Ronaldo. He has taken a big step on his journey towards Beckhamdom, and no one should forget it. Next stop: LA Galaxy.

If there were days that Tiger could walk on water, now someone appears to have put broken bottles in it. I wonder who? Still his  sponsors, including Gillette, Nike and Gatorade, are standing by him for now but maybe the world’s number one golfer needs to think about the future.

As every day passes and more details about his private life “transgressions” slip out the Tiger Woods brand lands another bogey.

We don’t want to see Tiger go down in flames (it would be messy) and we need to help tiger ensure that the $100m (£60m) a year he receives from his sponsors doesn’t tail off. So we at CSO have begun the search for new brands Tiger Woods could speak for and don’t worry there isn’t a club or cocktail bar in sight.

Our first suggestion is Fender Bender Insurance – Tiger Woods would be perfect for this. He has form. He knows how to wrap an SUV around a tree.

Our Second suggestion is the Oxford English Dictionary. Tiger you need this brand. You can learn from it as much as it can get from your star power. The first thing you can learn is that a “transgression” is breach of the law – that’s not the same as cheating on your wife with several other women. Apparently.

Thirdly, we think Vodafone would be a fine bet. In this age of smartphones and social networking Tiger could advertise that most basic of telephonic accessories - voicemail. He could be used to illustrates the importance of this in a call to a lady friend in which he asks her to remove her name from her voicemail. Why? Well it could be because his wife has got hold of the number and might be suspicious. Well, it’s an idea…

Oh last thing, if you really want to know what happened, we found this very amusing Asian video detailing the whole Tigergate incident.  Honestly it shows the whole thing.